REJECTION AND AFTER...

Rejection has been defined as:
the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.
the action of spurning a person's affections

Every person on the face of the earth has at one time or the other faced rejection, in one form or the other. It is a ride no one looks forward to being on. Rejection is, at its best, juddering and agonizing, and the experience quite unsettling. It is so commonly occurring that we often downplay its potency. Rejection is lethal because it attacks the very person that we are. It assaults our self-esteem and our purpose in life. Yet it is one ride that we all have taken many times and will take many times again. Just about every highly successful person has had a run in with rejection; Walt Disney, Stephen King, J.K. Rowling et al travelled that forlorn route.

The immediate response to rejection is aptly captured by Jennie Garth, “I think with any sort of rejection, you're angry that you weren't enough for that person.” There is a general leaning towards questioning our importance, competence and relevance. Often, if left unchecked, rejection has this progression, self-pity, misery, loneliness, depression, despair and (in some cases) death or suicide. Conversely it breeds hardness, indifference and rebellion.

The thing about rejection is that it is like a tree with a bitter root. It can only produce bitter fruit. In narrating her experience, Jennifer Salaiz said, “Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet...I was hurt. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at rejection? You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That's my favourite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.”

In that last part lies the secret to going beyond it, breaking free and rising above it. Rather than allow rejection to define your boundaries let it motivate you to keep trying and to try to do better.

The following is a sequence of steps though which a person can move from rejection to acceptance.
I. Accept yourself. The rejection was not of your person. It is something that was rejected. Do not belittle you.

II. Adjust your identity concept. Rejection is not universal or cast in stone – that which one rejects may be highly valued by another.

III. Allow yourself some grief time. Just enough is okay: do not make it a companion.

IV. Accept others; lay down bitterness, resentment, hatred and rebellion. Forgive every person who has rejected you.

V. Inspect the rejection and draw lessons from it.

VI. Implement changes that help produce a better you (restructure, repackage, rebrand etc).

VII. Get back in the ring (and give it another shot).

VIII. Give a margin for refusal, and a bigger one for perseverance.

If you will, there is a certain beauty to rejection.

Huh? Seriously?! Yes, very seriously, I’m afraid. First, consider that but for rejection you would not have started life on this plane (of existence). How? From the moment of conception all through the months that follow, the host provides the home, nourishment and protection the new life requires. For the baby it is a swell way of life. But once the time is up, the same place that had so accommodated the baby rejects it, literally ejects it. And voila, a child is born, and life begins.

Let us outline a few other benefits that can be derived from rejection:
Revelation No matter how extraordinary we’d like to believe we are, we’re still human after all and few things drive this home than being turned down.

Reevaluation There is a refinement that comes from a clinical evaluation of rejection. Also, hear a given thing enough and people usually pay attention. Both instances engender a tweaking of aspects of their personalities so they become better suited for the attainment of their goals.

Patience You may not get what you want right away, but if you are willing to work at it without let up, you will ultimately end up where you want to be.

Motivation An unfavourable response can become the catalyst that propels you to start doing something you are not, or to stop doing something you are.

Resilience People grow stronger when they are forced to cope with the unexpected or the undesirable not when everything is working for them. Negative outcomes often feel like they have brought you to a complete halt, in reality they give you something to push against.

Exploration Sometimes rejection is life’s way of saying look at different routes to where you want to be. It morphs into a positive experience when one goes on to take another path or try a new way – to achieve the same thing.

Chance It pays to understand that rejection is not a cast-in-stone no. Rather it is an opportunity to develop. Interestingly, it is so often fodder for remarkable achievements that one cannot but acknowledge that really big dreams may not materialize without it.

Lastly, celebrate! That rejection just got you admitted into élite club of people who try difficult things. A cursory peek at people's success stories will reveal that they are riddled with rejections. By the way, if you are still shooting after (the experience) the club gets even more prestigious.

Surviving something hard, has an interesting upside, it arms you with experience that allows you to empathize with, and help, others in a way few others can. And that is a swell perk of membership: the privilege and pleasure of aiding new entrants.

Note that rejection will always hurt; no one ever gets to the place where undesirable feedback and rejection do not smart. What people do subsequently is what matters most. One good question to always ask yourself (when someone decides they have you – and your place – pegged is this: does their endorsement give your life meaning and purpose?! So, when it happens remind yourself: the rejection is not personal – even if it feels that way. You are not the rejection. Learn from it; move on. Do not allow it run your life – or ruin it.

See you at the top.

© John Chidi 2015

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